Beth Rutkowski, PsyD, Clinical Psychologist, Shanghai
Repatriation can be more difficult than expatriation, especially for children. Everyone’s experiences with repatriation are different- some departures dates are locked in since arrival, others are completely unpredictable. Some people are returning to a country with family and friends, others feel they are leaving their support system behind in China. The same house, job, and school may be waiting for a family upon their return, while others are starting everything new. Logistically, the demands are many and the changes are beyond those for which we can fully be prepared.
The emotions that accompany repatriation are as innumerable as the experiences. There may be excitement see old friends and family or return to a school or house that they have missed. Other children may be distraught. Many children have spent more of their life living within an international culture than anywhere else. They have undergone major life transitions and accomplished great successes while living abroad. It is here that has shaped their identities and their expectations for a happy life. To these young people, home is being taken away- without a promise of return. As parents, trying to help can seem an overwhelming task.
As difficult as it may be, let your children know about plans to move home as soon as the information is available. The move will be a time of great uncertainty for your entire family, and beginning that process with children feeling as if they were deceived or kept in the dark will make things much more difficult for everyone involved. Encourage everyone in the family to speak openly about how they are feeling. Express your own feelings of loss or excitement, so that children know that they are able and welcome to do the same. Validate them in whatever emotions they express.
Often times children- and particularly teens- are very aware that their parents are undergoing a great deal of stress prior to the move. As a result, they avoid expressing their emotions or talking about their concerns in order to not add to their parents stress. Just because a child isn’t forthcoming with expressing his or her emotions does not mean they don’t have any to share. Be sure to ask them throughout the process how they are feeling and to model healthy expressions of your own emotions.
If children do seem fixated on negative aspects of a move home, it may be helpful to remind them of some of the positive things that will result from the move. The goal here is not to force them to change how they are feeling. Instead, it is to help them understand that the process will have both advantages and disadvantages for them. If they are returning to a country with family or old friends, remind them of the fun they have had with these individuals in the past. Talk about the aspects of the relocation you know they will enjoy- decorating a room, getting a pet, buying new things. Explain how things will be different for them than when they last lived in their home country, such as new privileges they will have or new areas worth exploring.
Be sure to take the time to truly say goodbye to your China life. This will allow both you and your children some degree of closure in this transition. Encourage your children to take an active role in this process. Ask them how would they like to bid farewell. Ask about favorite activities, meals, and friends they would like to invest time in. Take pictures along the way and remember to stress how these memories of such experiences will be with them forever.
Help your children get organized. Its an exhausting and confusing process for anyone relocating across oceans. Children may feel overwhelmed by all the tasks that accompany a move. Help them organize their packing process by assigning them smaller tasks for each day. If there are school assignments and exams that need to be completed, stay in touch with their teacher and remind them as tasks are due. Make sure they know you are available to help them if they need it, and that you support them as they tackle all of the tasks at hand.
Finally, tend to your own needs throughout this process. Repatriation is complicated and somewhat painful for everyone. As a parent, it is very easy to forget to make our own wellbeing a priority. Enjoy a massage at your favorite retreat, visit the dumpling shop you’ll miss the most, have a glass of wine with your friends. You are no help to anyone if you are sleep-deprived, anxiety-ridden, and miserable. One of the best things your can do for your child is to take care of yourself.